In memory of our little peanut

I guess it is never too soon, or too late, to bring back memories, especially those that rock your world in a way so new and so natural at the same time. Today I want to share something that has been very personal and yet it is not only mine, and definitely not uncommon.

On June 1st we received the news that, after 10 years of trying, I was pregnant… with no medical help. A lifetime of wishing for this moment, so much that even my soul felt happy. We couldn’t stop smiling, as scared as we were, and we enjoyed keeping the news between us for a bit. 

We slowly shared the news until all the closest people to us knew about our little peanut. We had our share of the hope a pregnancy brings. Then a doctor’s appointment sealed that hope when we heard that little heartbeat going so fast. Our eyes watered with joy and relief, I guess. I was in cloud 9 and I could feel us getting so excited. Names had been picked out, as well as a nursery theme, a house, and things for a baby registry that we barely sent out.

Then one day I realized that my excitement was gone and all I could feel was fear. You see, I had started to not feel pregnant. Sometimes I would even forget that I was, if you could believe that. I tried to be excited but my heart was telling me that something was wrong. (Call it a mother’s instinct if you will) Then my body followed. The symptoms were there, and then I couldn’t deny it, my negative thoughts were real and I was scared, so scared. I felt like I was shaking from the inside, my appetite was suddenly gone, and I could feel the fear creeping in and about to come out through my eyes.

After a couple of hours, and many tests later, it was confirmed. On July 7th, we got the news that we had lost our baby. 

As much as my instinct told me that this was happening, I didn’t want to believe it. Because hope was all I had and now it was gone. The memories of the last month came rushing and crashing, all at once. I felt so broken, for myself and my husband. I couldn’t keep this baby, the little peanut that had given us both, our families and friends, so much happiness, even if just for a month.

We were making so many plans, we had faith, and now it was all over. More than that, the fear of this miracle not happening again came quickly to that mix of thoughts and emotions. Was this it? A little bit of hope quickly come and gone?

I don’t know the answer to any of my questions here or the million ones in my head. Meanwhile, my heart still aches, my head hurts from actively and purposely switching negative thoughts to positive ones, my fake smile is slowly fading and my body reminds me every now and then that my baby stopped growing at 6weeks and that I am not almost 5 months pregnant, as I should’ve been. My hope is dying while I try very hard to keep it alive. 

So today I decided that I don’t want to push my feelings aside and make believe it was all a dream. I know it happened, it was real and it was the best summer love I could ever have and write about.

In memory of that love, I miss you every day our little peanut!