BFF with an expiration date

Here I am. At this point, this had no title because none seems to fit what I want it to be. I also started this with 3 or 4 different possible intros, and yet you probably didn’t read any of them.

You know the movie, right? “One time at bad camp…”, well, this one starts like this…

“One day in elementary school, over 20 years ago, I met a girl…”. And that story goes like this. She was quiet, but overall, I thought she was deeply genuine. I was right. With me, she was just herself.

We were always laughing, doing silly things, playing to be teachers to who we really wanted to be as students (which was not nerds because that’s what we were in real life). We questioned everything, from our parents, to teachers, to everything in the magazines. Every quiz in teens magazines was marked up, and we had extra paper for the other person and any retakes after that.

Remember those 90s band dances? Yeap, we also did those! Our impossible crushes were on our walls posing in magazine posters, and real-life crushes had secret nicknames that only we knew. We spoke almost every day on the phone, when we finally got those, as if we had not just spent all day in school together. The romantic stories we talked about went from imaginary to actual arguments and broken hearts. Sleepovers - where we barely slept, but talked and laughed until we were told it was too late to be awake.

She was my go-to. She knew it all, and I want to think I was the same for her, at least most of those years anyway.

Different schools, had our ups and downs, but we got through it. Then, different towns, but we still had letters we mailed to each other. I tell you, I got as excited to see the mail man as I would if I had seen Nick Carter stop by every day. Maybe I exaggerate a bit here, but you get it. A visit from the mail man meant I probably received a letter from her because I’m pretty sure she wrote to me even before she got my next letter. We had lots to say to each other, like 5 to 7 pages long (front and back!).

Then we got cars, and oh did we drive! We had weekend sleepovers at my own apartment. Hangouts with new and old friends, which became a fun group. A few drinks. Or many drinks. No curfews. No judgments. Lots of laughs and many memories. We were there for each other, even if there were any guys in the picture, we made time for each other, because we were sisters.

Years went by, we got into cell phones, texting, traveling, social media. Things were supposed to be easier. We were supposed to be closer. And maybe for some time that was the case.

Until it wasn’t.

I know 20 years of details can’t fit in here, but I remember it all. I remember her laugh from the sleepovers and her tears from the last time I saw her, and we said goodbye at that airport. I miss her, because with her I was just me, any version of myself. We could be who we were at 12 years old, or 20 or 30.

And suddenly, it was all gone. She was no longer accessible. When our grown-up problems sneaked up on us and we really needed a shoulder to cry on. When we could’ve googled our symptoms together and exchanged research notes. When we tried to start our own families and be the aunts, we always said we would be. When our foundations crumbled because our family pillars were no longer there. (I missed you, sis, I still do.)

I reached out, checked my email for a reply almost every day for 4 years (sometimes I still check). Call me weird or in need of closure, but I still have dreams of our friendship, of who we were or what would happen if we met again.

It’s been 5 years. Since then, I’ve heard many people have gone through this, and I know many others can probably relate as well. And I’m sure we all would agree...losing that childhood friend really hurts.

Maybe we’re not meant to keep that friendship for life. Maybe we really grew apart. I don’t know what happened, and maybe I never will…

But here’s what I do know, it still sucks!