36

36…. (am I even allowed to start a paragraph with a number?… meh! who cares?) I am 36 today and it doesn’t even matter. After 35 you just look “mature” (hopefully), “old” (at least to earn some respect) and “confident” (enough to filter out the negativity). But you know what? It doesn’t matter!

This is going to turn colors pretty quickly, but bear with me…. Last year we all had our ups and downs, for sure! However, 2020 was the meanest year so far for me. I lost my second mom, the bond of the family, the one that held my heart in her hands…my dear Tata. With her, I lost many things and my heart broke into tiny pieces. At that time I also realized my time for becoming a mother is probably also gone. This past year left me with many deceptions in life. Today I enter this new year of my life, #36, realizing that 2 of my biggest fears have become reality, leaving me with a broken soul.

So I don’t feel like smiling too much or give space to any possible hope of better years to come. We’re only getting older. I’m for sure getting tired, physically and emotionally. I can hide but I can’t run (is that how it goes?). Anyway, I still fake it, I smile every once in a while, I still talk about goals and plans but I don’t believe they’ll happen. Today I don’t believe that positive thoughts can change your life. Today I don’t feel like doing anything (like Bruno Mars). Today I just want to lay in bed, feel my back pain, cry a little and throw myself a party (a pity party that is)…. because it’s okay to feel all that.

Who knows? Maybe life will change and my dreams will come true but today I just feel “meh”…

Welcome to my 36th year of life, sit down and drink with me!